Current mood:

confused

hey
Well heres another entry...i didnt write yesterday ebcause I would have ssaid some horrible, horrible things that I might have regretted later. I do know this: If I believed in a fiery hell, Id also believe that i would burn in it. I'm the worst Christian that ever existed. Iprayed last night that chelsei, KC, and their father would all die ina horribly painful way sometime soon. i wished their death. I prayed for their death. And then if they died. i would specifically take a trip up there just desecrate their graves. Now I take that back. except for the grave thing. I'd still do that if it happened. so anyways..the whole thing flared up after a particularly nasty email from Chelsie and KC's stepbrother, Noah. i might put it in here later but it said some horrible ting snad I'm not so sure that i ever want to look at it again. so anyways...it causes a lot of grief in my mother and I's relationship and she blamed the whole mess on me ebcause I replied to kc's email that one time. Any sane person would have done exactly as I did. so anyways...then there is the whole Will ordeal which i wont go into here because its personal. ill make aprivate entry later most likely. But when i found out, I started crying..right in the middle of newspaper class. man...

I was thinking yesterday about my depression and anger issues and i wondered why anyone would ever look up to me. Yes, Chelsea, i cant understand why you think that I am strong when in reality, I'm very weak. I cry when I cant change things. And I grow depressed. And I break down. And I let others destroy my spirit and take advantage of me. I'm not strong in any way. I could have shattered the mirror with my fist...but i vow to do someday..but i thought mom wouldnt particularly appreciate it.

Yeah, so hurricane Charley is a level three and is supposed to hit at 2 this afternoon. A few countuies have been evacuated, supposedly half of my own too. I'm not that scared realy. I went through that tornado back in Nebraska. But its a bit nervewracking that we're getting directly hit and my parents refuse to lsiten to my advice to tape up the picture window and seal the doors. So I hope I'm not impaled by flying glass...hah! Wouldnt that be ironic? Missy called me last night o reiterate several times about her oncoming death. Her area has been evacuated but her dad reduses to leave so she's convinced she, her family, and her dogs are gonna die. They'll be just fine.

Yeah...I am feeling a bit better emotionally. I took a nice, long, hot bubble bath, lit some incense and a few candles. Then i grabbed a romance novel and read for an hour or so. But I'm tired of giving out my heart and having it returned to me mutilated. I'm tired of caring so much about people and so little about myself. And I'm tired most of all of being betrayed. if one more person that I care deeply about betrays me, I'm going to literaly lose my mind. I'm going to have to be locked up. because I cant take this anymore. i just cant. I cant handle it. in all aspects of my life. I'm tired of being betrayed by friends (namely Chelsie) of boyfriends (yes, you Brian...I know you cheated on me and the real reason hy you dumped me) and my family (my father, my stepmother, my step grandma, and my mother at times). Its killing me...and I dont think anyone can take more of my emo poetry. lol.

Dont forget me....